A Road to Understanding and Acceptance by  Tom Wahlrab

 

My story is centered in a yearlong relationship between myself, a co-worker, and a group of people who comprised a community board. I supervised the co-worker and I was assigned, as the city’s representative, to support the board. There were layers of history, including race and justice issues that influenced how we all related to each other. As complex as our conflict was, though, it was brought to a crisis by my response to the co-worker’s job performance and the board’s interpretation of this response.

Some years before I became Mat’s supervisor we had tried to understand each other. We had reminisced about swimming at the Boys Club when we were children.

“The Boys Club was a learning ground for me. Kids from different neighborhoods challenged and confronted each other.” I said.

“Leaving the neighborhood was a challenge, but the Boys Club is where we learned from each other.” Said Mat.

“Can you believe we all swam naked?” I said.

Even the way they taught us to dry ourselves after a swim was the same. His club was in West Dayton, mine on the East side.

At that time an entrenched city-wide citizen participation process – comprised of Priority Boards and several standing committees — showed all the signs of having lost its influence including its government support. Most of the city-staff appointed leaders had died or retired.  The handwriting was on the wall for a dismantling, adjustment and change.   Into this unacknowledged turmoil came my assignment to an African American neighborhood Priority Board position. This was Mat’s community and this was the position he had expected for himself.

As a civil servant, it was my duty to serve as management determines. My assignment was less of a sign than a statement of the change, the end of an exclusive and lauded system. I understood why the community board members might mistrust me. I was hardly prepared for immediate disrespect and calculated insubordination.

Early on Mat told me that I seemed afraid of him.

“You’re intimidated by large black men,” he declared. We both had played linemen in high school football. I thought of him as not so much big, but as extremely overweight. As to the fact of his being an African American man, in public service settings the demographics of the employees were close to the population at large. I had lived with and worked closely with African Americans all of my professional life.

I attempted connection: talking of our understanding of the Priority Board system; acknowledging Mat’s greater understanding of all things Priority Board and this particular community; requesting cooperation; revealing doubts and hopes for mutual acceptance and understanding.

I took action: directing him about what to do and when to do it. When such was not achieved I did only what was left for me to do, i.e. take disciplinary action.

Was I always sure of myself? Probably not. Was I always performing my role in public with a clear understanding of my duties and my intentions? After one such regular public meeting Mat let me know how I sounded to the community members.

“You said ‘You people’ when you gave that report.”

“No I didn’t say that.” I said. Maybe I did. But, being confronted with a witness who had shown his hostility, I was unable to consider such a possibility.

In the meantime, Mat and some of the community board members were conspiring to undermine me. Mat had been their choice for the position I now held. He had 10-15 years as a city employee and his current position was the only one he had held with the city. He had grown up in this community.

Established meetings, pre-meeting meetings, networking conversations all took place as part of the fabric within the community. As an outsider, much of this Information was withheld from me. I felt shunned

“You didn’t show up for the meeting and the Commissioner asked where you were.” Or, “You were supposed to hand out those forms by last Friday.”  These statements exposed my deficits and came from Mat and Board members.

In my challenging how Mat was performing, his community came to his defense by exposing my lack of competence.  It probably felt personal. For Mat, my appointment meant a professional affront, for the Board, an indication of political loss.

The atmosphere was one of suspicion, a feeling that I was foisted on them, all confirmed by my taking disciplinary action against a person they cared for.

In a perspective, power is taken from the citizen participation system by the withdrawal of government support. Empowerment of the Board members seemed to be increasing because they were beginning to do more for themselves and with less dictating from the City. In spite of many doubters and my perceived sabotage, I was earning a positive “Johnny-on-the-spot” reputation: the Board getting the support they asked for without question and getting it right away.

The Executive Board met monthly in an old and neglected recreation center. Staff meetings and Executive Board meetings took place in a small windowless room. We were wedged together. The HVAC system was under-serviced and the room was always hot and had little air circulation. This meeting was routine up to a point. Once we had worked through all agenda items, the chairperson, Jane, directed her attention towards me with sharply toned questions I experienced as accusations.

“Why are you bringing disciplinary actions against Mat?” became, “We know you’re doing something against Mat.”

And, “What are your intentions behind your actions?” was heard by me as, “So you’re here to hurt Mat.” Any answers, mere wisps for Jane to disregard.

I answered  succinctly and as openly and non-defensively as possible. I wanted to assume they wanted to have clarity and understanding.

My responses, including information about Mat’s insubordination, elicited more accusation. Then Jane, sitting across from me, stated directly, “You’re a liar.”

I’ve gotten to know Jane in the subsequent years and she nearly always “says it like it is.” She is blunt and what she says is all there is to say. This way of communicating can be startling and compel reactiveness from others. Her direct style I know now, sometimes hides her care for others and the community.

When it was stated to my face that I was a liar, I quieted. Jane and I looked at each other, balanced, immobile. The bluntness, the hardness of the words, their meaning, filled the space between us — hung there, until the silence dissolved any further effort.

Flight wasn’t possible. I didn’t fight. I stayed present with Jane and the others. I remained, accepting.

I accepted that my thoughts would not be welcomed, so I only responded, and withheld statements that might have clarified my actions. I accepted that they weren’t open to me, that I wasn’t trusted by them. I had been intentional about doing whatever was in my power to support this board of citizens and show that I believed in them.  They were doing what needed to be done, even when they were doubting my intentions and accusing me of wrongdoing.  So I believed.

Their belief was that over the years they been treated unjustly and my placement with them – against their wishes – was one more action that bolstered their conclusions. Still, whatever the actions of the system, my actions were grounded in being honest in each and every moment with them.

By accepting and not being defensive, by not countering their requests of me and offering my own opinions about what they had requested of me, I was affirming the Board. While they weren’t asking this of me, acting on my own belief in them was being true to myself and accepting of them.

My taking disciplinary action against Mat shortly after I started in the position, the Board members saw this as proof of my bad intent. The disciplinary actions escalated over a period of months but the final resolution, through a higher authority, didn’t come about until long after my relationships with the community members had become positive and very productive.

Throughout this ordeal –  one of the worst experiences of my life – I spent a lot of time reflecting on my actions. I sought out advice from trusted co-workers who knew Mat better than I did. I received counseling from the Human Resources department about my actions, as well as how the progressive discipline was applied. I maintained my sense of how to be and what to do throughout all of the above.

Mat and I went through many levels of intervention including multiple two-hour private one-on-one talk sessions and a formal disciplinary hearing. While waiting for results of the hearing, we settled into “work-arounds” with each other. We eventually avoided each other and functioned together only when necessary for the good of the Board’s work.

In our own ways we both stood up for ourselves and, without saying so directly, resolved to not to escalate our actions and reactions. The Board itself eventually stood down and seemed to take a broader look at their relationship with both of us. I believe they accepted how I was responding to their requests and needs and accepted my respect for them.

Within a year I was appointed to a management role in another agency in the City. When Jane was appointed to the board of that agency, she came to me with a bear hug. Over the years since then, we’ve had many opportunities to work together, always working for better understanding and acceptance of others.